If I were going to start an on-line dating site, I would call it “Douche Bag Dating”. It would be a site designed for women who were actually looking for the douchiest guys for whatever reason. Men would take a survey to determine whether they were douchie enough to be on the site. The main purpose of this site is to get the douche bags off of the good sites so we don’t have to sift through the asinine to find a date.
A year ago, I started my adventures in on-line dating and I wrote this essay but never posted it. I didn’t want to offend anyone, in case I met the guy. Below chronicles some of the Douche Bags I encountered. For the record, I never met any of these men in person. The conversation drove me away. So if you’re reading this and we did go out, it’s not about you.
First, of all, I am cheap as hell and I am a single-mom with a mortgage and a public school teacher’s salary. So I don’t have a ton of spending money so I decided to sign up for the “free” membership that all sites advertise. That was super fun until I couldn’t access any of the messages sent to me and just felt like if I was struggling to pay for groceries and get the dog to the vet, the fee of anywhere from $14.99 to $29.99 a month was unjustifiable.
In my profile, I casually mentioned that I’d just finished writing my first novel (but not that it’s sitting in a binder on my dining room table unread by anyone other than my sister and best friend). The messages and flirts started flying in and I couldn’t keep up. One feature they have is that you can just pick “stock statements” to send to someone. I was very disappointed when I saw that most of the messages I received were such statements and I chose not to reply to those individuals who apparently could not even form an original thought.
Messages in the form of a stock statement that I have received from on-line
“Nicely done”- WTF? What did I do nicely? This doesn’t even make any sense.
“Nice picture”- Okay… what about the rest of my profile? Do you like collecting cats and long walks on the beach too?
“I’m interested in you”- Okay, why prey tell… and I am supposed to respond to this?
“I’d love to hear from you”- Nice, so you send me a stock message but then expect me to take the time to write an original short story about myself.
“Tell me more”- See above- and also see my profile that I so carefully worked on. It will tell you everything you need to know! Now write me something original!
“I picked you as my favorite!”- Thanks… I guess…. And also thanks for the original, creative, heartfelt message, asshole. BTW, I did not pick you as my favorite. In fact I didn’t pick anyone as my favorite as it seems like a lame and desperate thing to both do and then notify the winner about.
A number of men in their late fifties that seemed to think that they were exactly what I was looking for. And I’m not talking about the well-coiffed, rich-looking ones because there weren’t any of those- and who am I kidding- that type would not need this site to find women. But seriously, my profile says I have 2 small children and am looking for someone who likes kids. Are you looking for surrogate grand kids? I have two extremely high-energy boys who are three and five years old. They need a younger or youngish guy who is also high energy and will wrestle them, play football with them, take them to a football game, not someone who can pull a quarter out of their ear and tell them stories of the good old days back in the nineteen fifties.
Then there is the beyond overly persistent douche bag. Now I get it, guys. All those times I called again and again or just happened to stop by because I was in the neighborhood. My apologies, that was really annoying and not attractive and I promise I will never do it again! Some of these guys may actually have forgotten that had already contacted me and I had already let them down gently with excuses of not wanting a long distance relationship, or “you are five inches shorter than me, so no” but then they send the same stock message three or four more times. Along with these guys are the ones that insist immediately that you start texting or meet in person even though you’ve only exchanged two or three messages in less than 24 hours.
Here are some real conversations that I have really had through on-line dating. I swear I am not making this up.
Conversation #1: I had this conversation probably over 100 times.
Douchebag: Hey Gorgeous….
Me: No response…. Um really? That’s all you’ve got. What are you expecting me to say back?
Conversation #2: (abbreviated version)
Douchebag: Hey there, how are you?
Douchebag: We should go out sometime
Me: I see you live out of state, I’m really looking for someone who lives closer as I already have a long daily commute to work in addition to my 60 hour work week. You seem nice, I wish you the best of luck.
Douchebag: No worries baby, I’m coming to you.
Me: No reply
Douchebag: So where do you live?
Me: No reply
Note on this conversation: I received more messages from this guy and eventually blocked him because apparently he couldn’t take a hint.
Conversation #3 This conversation occurred after several conversations. He had sent me some poems that made absolutely no sense, but no judgement…
Douchebag: So we should probably meet soon. If you chat for too long on-line it just gets awkward.
Me: (Uh, we’ve only chatted twice, I don’t know if I even like you) Well, I have my kids this week, so my availability is limited for a while…
Douchebag: I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from. The last woman I met online always made excuses and then when she was suddenly free she decided she didn’t want to meet me anymore. I just don’t want to get emotionally attached and then burned again.
Me: Umm… what? We’ve chatted twice. When and how did you get so emotionally attached? I can’t deal with the emotional drama, sorry.
Conversation #4 This conversation occurred after a few chats. This guy was about 10 years older than me but lived in the same city. From his pictures he slightly resembled Porn-stache from Orange is the New Black but on paper otherwise seemed okay. He was a little insistent about meeting up sooner than later.
Douchebag: How’s it going?
Me: Pretty good. It’s been a hectic week. How are you?
Douchebag: Well I’m here if you ever want to talk.
Douchebag: I don’t have my kids on Wednesday evening. I could come over to your place with a bottle of wine and we can chat while your munchkins sleep.
Me: Are you inviting yourself over to my house? That’s a little presumptuous. Should I also assume that you will be providing the roofies (sp?)? Will you be kid-napping my children and selling them into child-slavery after you’ve raped my lifeless body? Thank you for the offer, but no thank you. I will now be blocking your profile.
Conversation #5 This one occurred after we chatted a couple of times through the site. It was a bit mundane but he had a law degree and was a corporate executive, former college football player. I did a little recon and he seemed to check out so when he asked if we could graduate to texting I said okay. Here’s the conversation that ensued:
Douchebag: You’re really pretty. Can you send me some more pics?
Me: I’m looking for some. I don’t keep a lot of pics of myself on my phone. The best ones are the ones on my profile.
Douchebag: I’ll take some pics of you.
Me: (ignored this comment) I just sent a couple.
Douchebag: I love those big kissable lips. I’ll bet you’re a good kisser.
Me: I guess…
Douchebag: I’ll be you like to do other things too.
Me: I just looked at your profile, it says you have no children. Why are you on a single parents’ dating site?
Douchebag: Just keeping my options open.
Me: So are you scamming on single moms trying to get you some? If so, that’s a little pathetic.
Douchebag: Hey… I just said you seem like a good kisser, you’re the one who brought up sex.
Me: Wait- what?
Douchebag: We should get together sometime.
Douchebag: I bet we’d have a lot of fun.
Me: You need to learn some manners.
I then proceeded to block him from my phone, block him from my profile, then reported him to the site. A couple of weeks later I received an email requesting that I add him to one of my social networking sites. A day or two after that I received a text from a VA area code that I think was him. Take a hint much?
It’s interesting because my girlfriends who have tried this are in one of two camps. The first group is in the “that was a nightmare and a total waste of time” camp. The second group says that on-line dating is the best thing ever. Now I do have to say I have met a couple of guys that are fun to chat with but I the only two men I’ve met that I felt had potential, I didn’t meet through a site. I’ve definitely learned a lot about human nature so it hasn’t been a total waste. Good material for my stand up routine if nothing else.
Ladies if you have any Douche Bag dating stories, send them in! Misery loves company!
Single Mom Unfiltered